Old Age: A Realistic Analysis

Let’s take a break from Harry Reid for a moment and turn our attention to another gloomy subject: old age.

Sadly, 100 out of 100 Americans who do not die pre-maturely will eventually suffer from some form of old age. It is a shocking fact, to be sure, but nonethe-less true.

What is particularly unnerving about old age is that despite everything you may do to evade it, it will nevertheless catch up to you. And once it has taken hold, it will torment you and ultimately kill you. Perhaps I’m a voice crying in the wilderness, but I hardly think this is the way old people should be treated in this country.

With so many high-level politicians crawling all over our broken economy like wide-eyed kids at a train wreck, I suppose it would be an inconvenient time to bother them. So what can we as individuals do about this grievous problem of aging?

To be honest, not much; but two options stand out. 1) We can live fast and heedlessly, grabbing all the gusto we can while we can, or 2) We can eat sensibly and exercise daily, hoping to delay its onset and reduce its impact. Unfortunately, whichever choice you make, the results are often surprisingly similar, if not identical. This may be due, in part, to the puzzling role genetics plays in the aging process, which will not be addressed here.

The path one chooses then essentially boils down to a personal preference regarding what one believes will generate the greatest satisfaction while waiting for old age’s final symptom to manifest itself. If you’re inclined toward loose living and pleasure seeking, you will go with number 1. If you believe in stubbornly fighting physical and mental degeneration in all its hideous guises, you will choose number 2.

Whatever your strategy for facing old age may be, there are a few things you might wish to consider as it draws nearer. For example, I am staunchly opposed to dwelling unduly upon the inevitable. However, I also believe it is unwise to keep oneself in a perpetual state of denial. Therefore, try to find some middle ground. But whatever you do, do not vacillate between the two. This will only make you seem neurotic.

If fast living is your preference, bear in mind that it is not a sure-fire approach to dodging old age. You may still have to experience it. You will just be experiencing it earlier and for a shorter duration. And fast living has other disadvantages. For instance, studies show that it is not conducive to forming or maintaining long-term relationships. So expect to be alone anytime you’re not at a bar or night club. And don’t let yourself become too fond of money, because you may not be accumulating very much of it. Which brings us to another important subject--your family. Though your behavior will doubtless alienate them, try to stay as close as possible to your parents and siblings, the people who feel obligated to love you. You will likely have to procure money from them with disturbing regularity.

If , on the other hand, you choose to battle old age, you should not attempt to do so by strictly abstaining from all of life’s little pleasures. For example, you needn’t go without that occasional bowl of ice cream or that double shot of Scotch after work. And on Super Bowl Sunday feel free to over indulge and make yourself a little ill. Rigidity in any form, after all, is detrimental to your health. Furthermore, as an exercise regimen, I feel it is unwise to run everyday and for long distances unless you’re being pursued by a tax or bill collector, in which case it might be advisable. But even then I believe running should be taken up only after consulting with a physician who is a recognized practitioner in both health and financial matters.

In conclusion, I will just add this: Regardless of your choice, make it carefully because you may live to regret it. Which calls to mind the insightful words of Dean Martin, who, in a rare moment of lucidity, faultlessly summed up one of life’s most vexing paradoxes. While swaying unsteadily on the brink of old age, he was heard to say: “If I’d known I was going to live so long, I’d have taken better care of myself.”